Nothing Is Ever Simple
I just got back from a blood test, a CT scan and a consultation with my oncologist. My CA19-9 is down quite a bit but the CT scan shows a spot on my liver that wasn’t there in previous scans. I asked whether it could be something associated with the abscess I had on the liver in February but we checked those records and this spot is in a different place.
We’re planning for a biopsy now. The “interventional radiology” team will be calling me before Wednesday to schedule it. Why radiology? because they do imaging and it takes some really good imaging to route a long needle through my torso, into my body, and into that particular spot. Another complicated thing to do to get an answer.
I’m just pissed off about this now. It turns out to be a lot easier to reconcile oneself with death than it is to figure out a path that takes the longest to die, with the least discomfort. I’m still assimilating the possibility that I will be going in a painful, wasting manner whether soon or later.
There are tons of things I want to do, places to go, etc. I want that and not this sick crap. Hence I am pissed off. This is so crappy.
Oh and one more thing. Seattle, Portland, and New York city are not centers of anarchy. They are functioning just fine, with police and services. So Barr & Trump are just bullshitting again, and you need to vote Democrat if you want to have a predictable life and not get dragged into this political cancer in America called the new republican party.
September 21, 2020 @ 6:18 pm
So sorry RiffRaff. Cancer sucks. Big hugs
September 22, 2020 @ 12:35 pm
Sending healing vibes, love, peace, and a swift recovery.
September 23, 2020 @ 8:13 am
Whoa, so sorry! Am focusing positive thoughts your way. If you want any help with guidance for serious and relevant questions to ask your specialists, Mark just finished one of many projects on your situation. Love and hugs, Robin
September 23, 2020 @ 10:54 am
I’ll be in touch soon about those questions. I think I have the topic covered but am not dumb enough to think I got them all. Talk with you soon!
September 24, 2020 @ 11:51 am
That is CRAPPY. I love you.
October 3, 2020 @ 1:46 pm
I am really sorry that you didn’t get some downtime before this hit, although I don’t know why I think that would be easier. I will tell you that I am glad you have made it this far, that you felt good enough to do some more work in the world, that you still care about what happens. It makes a difference.
October 4, 2020 @ 12:18 pm
Thanx! I’m ADD so I can’t help but get interested in it.
Really, I figured that I’d get through the first couple of years because I was at stage 2 and we weren’t playing Whack-a-mole with outbreaks everywhere, so I almost “knew” I’d beat those first odds. I hadn’t paid attention to the tricky part, the fact that pancreatic cancers are the result on not one, but many serial mutations that just happen to hit some sequences that trigger the uncontrolled growth. I didn’t count them but in my research it seemed like there were 20-30 known paths leading to tumors. This means that while I may have beaten my original tumors into remission, there is always a chance that the mutations didn’t stop happening.
In this scenario the subcritical survivor cancer cells continue to mutate and somehow gain the ability to escape impact by the chemo dejour, and so runs away again wherever it had attached itself. I think I run a scary high chance of being in this scenario. As far as I’ve read this is the leading cause of long term pancreatic cancer mortality; not the original cancer or its location, but the spin-off cancers wherever they land.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot and am starting to reconcile emotionally and strategically. (It’s interesting that as a life experienced ADD person I’ve learned to direct hyperfocusing onto my mental comfort and effectiveness.)