In Between, the Waiting

An update for everyone still reading this blog to follow my health episodes. I’m having a biopsy taken from the spot on my liver on Monday, October 5. They’re going to stick a long flexible needle into my torso and guide it to that spot on my liver using ultrasound to see the path. The Saturday before that I will be taking a Covid-19 swab test since nobody should have to work on a person without knowing their own risks. That’s cool, appointment is all set up. I’ve also decided to get a flu shot and have scheduled that with a drive-in appointment on the Friday just before that. Bang, bang, bang.

Meanwhile we wait. I’m walking around with hopes that it is an abscess instead of a new tumor. How’s that for choices? Heck, maybe it will just go away! That would be extra cool. Of course these speculations mask the 900 pound gorilla, that it is indeed cancer. It’s a little like the run up to the national elections. We wait, thinking of all the fucked up things that could happen and wishing for all the good things.

I think I’ve started pinning down the emotions I’ve been feeling around this mortal coil. I still don’t feel scared about death itself. I have no idea what will happen after I die but we all do it so what the heck, I love doing what everybody else does. Nevertheless my thoughts have frequently been on all the things where I would be missing out. Friends, events, time with Melissa, the dogs, travel, the local and worldwide Burning Man culture. It’s straight up projection of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) into a future where I wouldn’t exist and wouldn’t really give a damn. The vagaries of emotions. Why should I even think about it?

Normally I would be doubling down on visiting friends & my family face to face. Hoisting a refreshing beverage and chewing the fat. Of course that’s been compromised by this pandemic we’re having. I can do a virtual version of this. Certainly talking over a video chat app is better than phoning, which is better than nothing, but after all these months of lockdown I think we’ve all gained a new respect for the difference between virtual and real connections. It is just another frustration stacked on this waiting frustration.

I don’t need any help processing this, but figured it might be interesting for some if I shared where my head is at. Other thoughts/feelings I have are:

  • I’m pissed off that this had to pop up after going through such a hard treatment protocol. Damn you’d think it would give me at least a few months of appearing to be cancer free, but nooooo can do.
  • I still want a house of our own to make my final home, but what kind of house? Townhouses are a lot cheaper. I could afford one well within the greater Seattle area. The problem is that we are not going to give up doggies, so we need a back yard, not a little courtyard or a shared commons. So houses. I see a surprising number of what might be qualifying houses within 30 miles of greater Seattle, so at least we’ll be close to my hospital.
  • So if we get a house an I get sick again, how do we keep up with the maintenance?
  • I am frustrated that I even need to think about the location of my hospital or any kind of health facility. It’s real. I’ve had one emergency in February where I could have died had I not been able to get to one right away, and it was so much better to have been able to go to the hospital that already has all my health records.
  • Why the hell do I still have a travel trailer? I’ve only recently been strong enough to do anything to it, but damn 90% of what I do with it is clean it or fix it. Actually traveling with it has not been in the cards since last year’s Burning Man. I mean crap, I’ve got to repack the wheel bearings before going on any kind of trip with miles since it’s been sitting for so long, and the roof isn’t going to clean itself of that glue-like crap that forms with old fir tree pollen. Right now it’s only half-way done.
  • I can’t even give away stuff right now, an we have a metric fk-ton of stuff to give away.

I know, I know; middle class white folks problems. So what? They’re my thoughts and that’s what I’m sharing today!

There’s also that political situation where I am already deeply disappointed in somewhere around half of the people in my country. I’m especially and helplessly angry at the decisions both parties have made in the last 30 years, resulting in the fleecing of our populace, siphoning off every spare dollar from consumers and turning them into points on some scoreboard used by the top richest 1% and their party bragging rights.

And don’t even start me on the effects that reality TV & streams have had and are still having on the culture. We’re monkeys for crying out loud, and we model the behavior that we see over and over in others, and reality shows consciously pick the most psychopathically screwed up people they can find, putting them in front of their audiences who lap them up, telling themselves that they’re just watching a train wreck while letting those pathological behaviors seep into their psyche. Not even counting the ass-clown we have as a president this has been eroding our civility and ability to make desperately important good decisions for years.

If you’ve read this far just know this one thing: I will be OK and I love you. I’ll be around for at least another couple of years and I mean to show you as much love as I can muster.

OK, peace-out!