Well? Well? What Did They Find?

I had my consultation with my oncologist this Monday and I’ve put off posting about it until now. No real surprise. It’s cancer again. The same kind as always so at least there’s been no obvious mutations on that mutation. We did manage to get enough meat with this biopsy that we can send some of it off for another attempt at a genetic analysis that we couldn’t do when I had the first tumor removed in 2019.

We just set the date for my 1st chemo treatment too. I start back up in the coming Tuesday, May 25. We’re using good ol’ gemabraxine again. In the past I’ve done pretty well on the stuff. The side effects were pretty much consistent and I was able to handle it well with the help of nausea drugs like Odansetron. I’m hoping to continue a somewhat real life around the treatments, like I did back in 2018-19, and again in 2019-20.

The events of the past year has done a lot to undermine my confidence though and I’m wrestling with it now. My back has been dealing me constant pain since around late February and it’s frigging scary how that undermines my thinking. I’ve also developed a real inability to correctly digest my food without very careful dosages of Creon. If I miss it, I will have “digestive distress” a day and a half later that can mess up plans.

I am trying to make plans for this summer too. Really. I think it’s time to go east again and visit my Mom & sisters in New Jersey around the 4th of July week. I missed doing it last year. Before that there’s some stuff going on down near Reno that I’m seriously considering too, doing stuff I’m interested in expanding on in the future.

But I’m still trying to regain strength and stability. I need to feel good about that because right now these problems have kept me near home, ready to dart back and hit the bathroom or take a nap. The thing near Reno will require me to drive over 15 hours. Can I even do that? Am I just so gun shy about this that I’m not trying hard enough? Will the gemabraxene side effects be the same as before which I can handle, or will it be different this time? That’s happened to people, so of course I’m worrying about it. Blech.

These last few months have not been good for my motivation or ability to focus. I’ve been shuttling between work on the house, getting rid of the still teetering high pile of stuff to give away or sell, and organizing the work I’ve been doing over the past several years outside of the job. Much of the time I’ve spent just hurting though. Napping, and trying to enjoy movies in bed but failing. My social life is not good either. I just don’t have the confidence to be reliable, and reliability is something I like in other people, so I’m not too happy with myself right now. I mean jeez, this last few weeks I’ve not even been showing up to some of the virtual get togethers I’ve been participating in over the past year.

I have to get out of the house. I need to give both M & myself some alone time. I have to shake this feeling that I’m just dialing it in.